Many couples fight over money or argue about who pays for it, especially in a world where “the man” is no longer the sole “breadwinner.” But what does “fair” really look like in today’s society — and when might a marriage (or divorce) counselor be in order?
Take the hypothetical example of Nick and Katya. Nick works in finance and makes $700,000 a year, while Katya works for the federal government and earns $90,000 a year. They have been married for 10 years and have no children.
Each month, Katya puts $1,100 into a joint account for their fixed expenses — they own a large house and two cars — while Nick contributes $6,500. Nick also picks up any extra bills and entertainment, like dinners out, and pays for his vacations.
Although they have a cleaner who comes once a week, Katya takes care of cooking and daily household chores, such as washing dishes, grocery shopping and going to the dry cleaners. She even files their taxes.
Still, Nick doesn’t appreciate the work Katya does around the house and thinks she isn’t pulling her weight in the marriage because she doesn’t bring in enough money.
Ideally, he wants to split household expenses evenly, even though he earns significantly more, and consider what’s left of his discretionary income. And since he makes more money, Nick likes to keep control over Katya’s discretionary spending.
Katya would like to plan for her finances and future, but Nick refuses. Now Katya is wondering if their approach to finances is normal and what is fair when it comes to splitting household expenses.
Married couples handle finances differently — and that’s changed over time.
In 2023 (the most recent date for which census data is available), 23% of married couples did not share a joint bank account (1), up from 15% in 1996 (2). The most common setup, which accounts for two out of five couples, is to have just one joint account, although this has become less common since the late 90s.
Although the data doesn’t show how expenses are handled, 17% of couples approach their finances the way Nick and Katya did. This setup has grown in popularity over the past two decades [2]Including unmarried couples in committed relationships [3].
Many experts agree that the way couples divide their money comes down to personal preference. “You’re not going to have an answer that’s the same for every couple,” social psychologist Michael Krause, an associate professor of organizational behavior at Yale University, told CNBC.
That said, many financial advisors recommend that couples split household expenses proportionally rather than 50-50. This means dividing expenses according to each person’s income level and other household contributions. This strategy can be revisited each year or when a partner gets a new job or a windfall, such as an inheritance.
Ultimately, any payment structure can be considered fair — as long as both parties are OK with it. The focus is not necessarily on equal contributions but on what is equal to consider each partner’s salary and net worth.
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The key to moving forward together is making sure both partners agree on their financial goals and communicate them regularly. Failure to do so can lead to financial infidelity (4) – where couples lie to each other or keep financial secrets – and possibly even contribute to divorce. (5)
Having these conversations can be difficult. To help, the fidelity approach suggests that couples give each other “full disclosure of your finances early in your relationship (including all debts, assets, income and expenses).” (6)
Loyalty also suggests choosing “the time, place and agenda for your money conversation carefully” — when you’re not tired or rushed — and focusing on shared goals.
If one partner, like Nick, isn’t willing to have these conversations either, a bigger problem may be at play and the couple may need to seek professional help.
For example, Nick wants Katya to earn as much money as possible, but he doesn’t care if she enjoys her current job or if it comes with good benefits and a pension.
In this case, it appears that the couple has a difference in values, not a different money mind-set.
Katya and Nick may want to consider talking with a financial advisor, who can help them get an idea of how to define their shared goals and how they can work together to reach those shared goals.
When a partner isn’t ready to chime in like Nick, it can be helpful to consult with a financial therapist, a certified professional who helps people understand how they feel and behave around money and make changes if necessary.
A financial therapist may be able to facilitate a respectful, open conversation and help the couple come to an agreement on what is fair.
For this couple, it seems there are issues beyond finances, such as Nick’s lack of respect for Katya’s other contributions to the household and her need to dictate how she spends her money, that a financial therapist or even a marriage counselor can help them with.
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US Census Bureau (1) ; For centuries.2) ; Pew CNBC (3) ; bankrate (4) ; National Library of Medicine (5) ; loyalty (6)
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. This is provided without warranty of any kind.
